I'm pretty fed up

[halcyonbaby]

Ok, this might be a bit long. I really didn't want to post here but I have no outlet right now. So, sorry in advance, my typing may be a bit rambling, but I need to get this out.

First of all, my situation is bleak. I lost my job a few months ago, so money is really tight. I recently lost my phone due to not being able to pay the bill (and alas my phone a mommy conversations will have to wait.), I live with my parents, but my father charges me $500 a month rent, which I'm no longer able to pay. I mean, it's not easy for me to find work as it is. I'm 5'6" and about 150lbs. I look like I'm fairly young. The security woman at my last job seriously thought I was 12, and called it to my face when I went in for an interview. Because of this though, if I can't pay, my father has every intention of kicking me out on the street.

Here's the frustrating part. I can't do anything about it! I am totally reliant on my family for getting around. My brother was given his first vehicle, yet I have to purchase mine? To top it off, my father continues to tell me that I have to go see this car, which belongs to a friend of his he works with. Its an 85 Ford Mustang, not in the best shape but the guys a mechanic so I know it runs. My father led me on, I thought he had driven it but it turns out he hadn't. He wants me to go look at it, but when I've asked, the guy's out getting back together with his ex-wife. Now, my father has not mentioned it recently, and I brought this up to my mom, apparently he talks to her about my 'unwillingness' to get out and look at it, and by extension get another job. Why, in the world, do I have to be the one to go and remind him every day?

Do they think I enjoy having cravings for sweets or other things that I can't satiate? Do they think I like watching them bring home candy or soda or things of that nature while I sit there and stare as they devour them in front of me? They think I enjoy not being able to go the places I want to go to, or do the things I want to do?

Bit of back story. Unfortunately I've never been out on my own, I've lived at home all my life. Partly maybe my fault, but I've tried, I really have, to go out and try and start my own life. I actually did have a car once. An 80s model Chevy Monte Carlo. Beat up piece of crap, my aunt gave it to me after my brother failed to live up to a promise in exchange for the car. At the time however, my brother was working and I wasn't. So, silly me, I lent him the car. He drove it til it died, left it as his job parking lot for several days, before, I found later, selling it to someone and keeping all the money for himself! Now, I've been sworn to secrecy on this issue by my mother, so my father will never find out, and I don't mind that, I mean I'm still angry, but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but what DOES bother me, is the fact that my brother seemingly has never had anything taken from him, and has never compensated me for that. What DOES bother me, is my father went out and helped him get a used silver Mustang convertable, and I'm stuck with nothing!

Now, I don't want this to sound like a sob story, and I know this isn't true but in my head I can't help but think, you know, I suffered through 2 and a half years dealing with a cancer that nearly killed me. It's what lead me I believe to becoming an AB. I have no memories of my childhood, none. My mother is disabled and my fathers 'there' on the best of days. So maybe that's what started me down the path, I can't say for sure. I suffered through that, I think to myself, my hard luck days should be behind me. I mean, I've never shied away from work. I mean, I worked 2 years at a dead end job that I hated, but it was that job that kept my family in a house and I'm proud of that!

My father however doesn't seem to notice, all he wants is more money, and he constantly holds things above my head. He's ransacked my bedroom on more than one occasion when he thinks I have something of his. He found my baby stash that way, and forced me to throw all of it out. My Cloth Diapers I had paid like $60 for, everything. He didn't want it in his house, said it was unhealthy. Even after I'm paying him $500 a month. I've heard I could prosecute him for this but he's my father. How could I do that? Could I?

Now I feel like a complete jerk. I've sat hear crying to myself, thinking, after reading some of the other posts on here, how I can sit by and feel sorry for myself when other people are suffering quite worse than I am. I'm not dealing with the death of a friend, or such like that. God am I such a horrible person? I don't know. I don't know how to make sense anymore. I just don't.

I may wind up deleting this post, but at least I got it typed out. I don't know. I'm sorry.

[Little Stinky Britches]

I feel for you, I too, work dead end jobs.

I too, have family that has treated me badly.
(My own brother kicked me out of his house and drove me to a homeless shelter. That was 10 years ago, and I have not spoken to him since.)

However, you summed up the problem: You have never lived on your own.

Here is what I suggest: go to the nearest public libarary, and check out (for free) ANY Ayn Rand book and read it. After you read Ayn Rand's books, you will see the world and your problems as they really are, not as you might like to see them. Her words will free you in ways you have never dreamed of. You may never be rich, but her books will help you to see that there is only one person that can help you, and that is YOU.

I wish you well.

[MommieSara]

I am very sorry to hear of all your heart ache and yours too Marty. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you will be able to find a life of peace in which you deserve. Try and realize that they to have issues and not everyone can be there for us as they should. I know it all too well myself as many people do. Try and come from a place of love and forgiveness and it might ease your struggle with them. And I hope you can find something you love to do that is of service to others that will bring you much comfort I think. Please dont remove your post I think it is important for others to hear your story as many people I am certain experince is very similar. We love you Baby!

[halcyonbaby]

Thanks, Mommy Sara and Lil Stinky.

I just feel trapped. See, ever since I was young, I've always been told how smart I am, how I can do this, how I can do that. Parents gushed about how I taught myself to read when I was like 3, or whatever. I have no memories of this. (One of the reasons I'm an AB is because I have no childhood memories due to side effects from the cancer treatment). Yet they have all these expectations of me, what am I supposed to do? I want to make them happy, but I want to be happy too.

They expect me to be some kind of magical "snap my fingers and success happens" kind of person, and I'm just not.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I really just want someone to hold onto me and let me cry on their shoulder for a while. I don't have any other outlet, and it hurts. I get physically sick worrying over this kind of thing. Worrying about what I'm going to do. Am I going to lose my place to live? Lose everything I own? I don't know.

We're apparently moving into a new house, my dad just told me. Though he also made mention that things are going to be a lot more strict there. (We live in a trailer now, so you can imagine he's going to be worse about cleaning up around an actual house). My father as of right now, has security cameras in the living room/dining room, ostensibly so his family can watch him since they have a similar set up, but he's used it to spy on us in the past and made it know. He's 'jokingly' even referred to setting up a security camera in my bedroom. He says he's joking, mom says he's joking, but sometimes I wonder..

Anyway...Thanks for the support. We'll see how things go.

[MommyMaggy]

Your story just break my heart sweetheart! But I'm not going to give you frilly words right now - what you need is some real advice.

So to that end, might I suggest seeing what services are available to you in your town? The government usually has a career help center that you may be able to tap.

Also, don't dismiss employment agencies and temp work companies. They can get you in the door and a lot of times it can lead to permanent work, or at least a lead to a better job. (it will pad your resume and prove to a potential employer that you have a strong work ethic).

I hope that helps honey, and just remember, it's always darkest before the dawn (well, maybe a small amount of frilly words, )

[Little Stinky Britches]

Thank you Sara and Maggy. You both make some good points, and Sara, I really love what you said about love and forgiveness.

(More about that in another post. )

[SweetMommyCandy]

I sure hope things get better for you soon honey